They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong