8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*