Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
This squirrel eats better than I do
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.