Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
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No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.