I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Running from your problems is cardio .
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.