Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
*me flirting
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.