It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
You Might Also Like
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
bury ourselves
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
buys donuts instead
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
When you kidnap a writer.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.