*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
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Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*