There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.