My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
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So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
when mom throws a party…
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils