YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”