Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
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*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.