Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here