8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
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Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Watermelon Boss!
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.