A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
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Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!