Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
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I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death