Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.