Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
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Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil