I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
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[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I have so many questions.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME