“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
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my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
*praying for world peace*
God:
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
O Wise One….
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Leaving the Barbers like
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.