Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Monday
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…