Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
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oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
It was worth a shot 😂
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit