everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye