a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
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I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I’ve had relationships like this
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt