If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
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When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
No, I don’t think I will.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere