How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
this… may be the greatest story ever told
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.