If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
accurate
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Phones down.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE