one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
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when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her