y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
scares