My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore