Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
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My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.