Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot