my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
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A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Cheer up.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.