Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
lmfao
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Most fashion shows these days…
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.