Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
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When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.