It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.