HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.