I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Dance like you’re not the father
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Watermelon Boss!
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
😂🤣😂🤣
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
when someone compliments me
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?