A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE