I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Hamburger Hinderer.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Monday
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!