Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
You Might Also Like
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.