me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh