My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
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How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Pringles
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Haha good job!!
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.