Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?