Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
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Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
How dude HOW?!
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.