Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
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My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”