TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
time machine? you mean a clock?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Damn he played himself
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means