We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….