ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
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*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
my professor scared me for a second
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY