Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“What movie?” 🤔
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.